Did you ever notice how an urgent energy suddenly overtakes you when you disagree with someone in conversation? Differing views on politics or religion provide fertile ground for this erupting force. It may take the form of anger. This person is so stupid. They’re simply wrong. Why can’t they see the truth? At other times, this energy appears as an urge to challenge the person’s false belief and set them on the right path. This disruptive drive can surface even in minor disagreements. Have you noticed how you can argue ad nauseum that your memory of something is the correct one when it doesn’t really matter? Yet, somehow you need to keep proving you’re right.
Why Do You Need to be Right?
Have you ever thought about why? Much of the need to be right or to win originates from childhood experiences. On the playground you learned the biggest bully pummels the weak one, so you tried to be strong and have the upper hand at all times. Others cheered you, when you won the game, the spelling bee, or became an A student and this felt good. Your parents praised you when you won, which you interpreted as love even though it may not have been. As a result of such experiences, you derived certain beliefs that became so ingrained in your unconscious that you accept them without questioning their truth. What are some of these deep-rooted beliefs?
If I’m right or win:
- I’ll be safe
- I’ll be in control and not at the mercy of others
- I’ll be admired and respected, rather than harassed
- I’ll feel good
- I’ll be loved
- I’ll feel energized and alive
- If I lose, I’ll feel bad and discouraged
Why wouldn’t you strive to be right since, in your mind, it brings you respect, love, security, vitality and contentment.
Are Your Beliefs True?
It helps to examine each of these ingrained beliefs and ask if they are really true. Perhaps winning earns you respect, but not necessarily love. Others may admire you, but think you’re above them and don’t feel any connection. If you prove you’re right, you might momentarily feel good, but it won’t last. There are more permanent ways to feel contentment when you act from a place of compassion and goodness. You might feel energized from an argument but there might be other less contentious ways that give you more sustaining energy, such as exercise and meditation. Core energetics tells us that wanting to be right moves your energy up your back and crosses over and rains down upon the person conversing with you. This makes you top heavy energetically and easier to knock your feet out from under you. Ironically, you’re safer and have less chance to fall, if you ground yourself by directing your energy to your lower belly and feel it going down your legs into the earth. Such a stance helps you to feel powerful without needing to prove you’re right.
Does questioning those ingrained beliefs behind your need to win change how you act towards others? Do you still need to convince them you’re right? Is it worth disharmony in your family or friendships? What a pity if it clouds your deeper connection of love.
A Different Way
If you find you need to be right, repeat “No contest, no contest” to yourself. This diffuses the intensity of your feeling. Most likely the person with whom you disagree will sense a change in your energy and calm down as well. Afterwards, ask yourself why you were drawn into this argument. Did you feel unsafe, unloved, agitated, or disrespected? Then concentrate on this feeling until it subsides. Now bring your awareness to that powerful and grounded core dwelling in you. Conflict has no place here since your essence is only goodness and love.
At this point, are you able to allow the other person to have—according to you—their illusions? Can you release your need to change them? HIK states that it’s rude and disrupting to wake someone when they’re soundly asleep. They’ll just become annoyed with you. However, if they start to wake up, then it’s advantageous to gently help them awaken further. In noticing that you have a different point of view from another, ask yourself whether they are so ingrained in their beliefs that it’s best to allow them to be. It may be best to let them sleep. They wouldn’t listen anyway. However, if you sense someone may be ready to hear what you have to say, first attend to and calm any excitable energy that arises within you. Otherwise, it will block anything you have to say because others will feel the need to protect themselves from such a force. Then state your perspective calmly from your heart. You might need some time to settle down before doing so. Whether they accept your viewpoint is up to them.
A Broader Perspective
As you grow spiritually, you broaden your outlook on everyday happenings. You start to see how right and wrong, black and white belong together to form the greater whole as the yin/yang symbol denotes. You may understand that sometimes there has to be destruction before rebirth, death before resurrection. You may see that everyone plays their part in the cosmic whole. With this perspective, you might look with curiosity at the person with whom you disagree, wondering how they fit into the grand scheme of things. Do they have something to teach you? In being receptive to them in this way, you’ll start to feel a connection to them. You may begin to love them or rekindle a deep love for them.
